1994년 8월 19일, 편지

경호에게,

지난 7월, 갑작스러운 연락에 나를 만나줘 고마웠다. 만남은 짧았고 실질적인 시간은 거의 없었지만, 내게는 설명하기 어려운 각별한 의미가 있었단다. 어릴 적 지인이 20여년이 지난 오늘 면담을 원한다는 것이 이상하게 느껴질 수 있고, 그렇게 사소한 만남 후에 이런 편지도 오바라 생각할 수도 있겠지만, 나의 이기적인 면에서 오랫동안 기다려온 귀향의 여정이 이 편지를 쓰지 않는다면 완성이 아니다 생각했다. 

서울에서 삶이 얽힌 너희와는 달리, 나는 시간이 멈춘 사람, 장소 그리고 사연의 기억을 지니고 떠났고, 항상 그리워하며 내가 경험하지 못한 서울의 생활에 대해 상상 속의 세부사항을 채워 넣고 살았단다. 잠을 재촉하며 고향에 가는 꿈을 꾸었고, 비행기에서 내려 한국의 모습을  어떻게 볼 것인지! 이화와 서울의 익숙한 거리들을 어떻게 걸어갈 것인지! 어린 시절의 친구들을 만나는 것이 얼마나 기쁠 것인지!...

서울에서 둘째 날 오후, 혼자 이화여대를 거닐었다. 정문을 지나 다리를 건너 유치원과 초등학교 옆을 지나서 중학교까지… 내겐 그곳이 고향이었거든. 그곳에서 우리는 몇 안 되는 아이들과 평생의 친구가 되었고, 스스로 자신을 찾도록 격려를 받았지.

1968년 초부터였을 거야. 웬지 점점 자신감이 없어지고, 스스로가 한심하게 느껴졌어. 나란 인간이 가식적이고, 하찮고, 얄팍하다고만 생각했지. 마치 주위 사람들이 다 알고 나를 비웃는 것 같았어. 도저히 중학교에 그대로 있을 수는 없다고 생각했다. 뭔가 나아질 줄 알았는데, 막상 학교를 떠나도 여전히 길을 잃고, 혼란스럽고 우울했지. 어린 나이에 그런 깊은 우울감이 어떻게 스며드는지, 지금도 잘 이해는 안 돼.

그렇게 1970년 여름이 지나고 나선, 한국에서의 17년과는 완전히 다른 삶이 시작됐어. 새로운 언어, 새로운 문화가 신기하고 흥미로웠지. 그 낯선 세계 속에서 나 자신을 찾고 정리해볼 수 있는 시간이 충분했어. 나도 모르게, 혹은 일부러 그랬는지는 모르지만, 어느 공동체에도 끼지 않았었고 직업 때문에 어쩔 수 없이 가입한 것 외엔 어떤 단체에도 속하지 않았지. 정치토론은 즐겨하지만 직접 참여하진 않았다. 돌이켜보면, 그건 어린 시절 겪었던 불편한 경험들에 대한 좀 과도한 반응이아니었나 생각된다. 난 정치적이지도 않고, 대기업과도 관련 없는, 그러면서도 안정적인 전문직을 선택했어. 외과라는 직업이 작지만 내겐 의미 있고 보람 있는 일이고 내 처 모린과 딸 둘, 알리사(4살)랑 앤마리(1살)와 행복한 가정을 이루고 있다. 

이화를 걷는 동안, 어제 일처럼 생생한 기억이 떠올랐어. 방과 후 U.N. 데이 준비, 추수감사절이랑 크리스마스 행사 (네가 마리아로 뽑혔던 것 기억하지), 봄가을 비원 소풍, 구기대회, 그리고 잊을 수 없는 풋사랑. . . 몰래 힐끔 쳐다보던 순간들, 포크댄스 파트너 바뀌면서 손끝에 스치던 느낌, 괜히 방과 후 근처에서 어슬렁거리던 날들, 그리고 아주 운 좋았던 어느 날 친구들과 그 애 집까지 바려대준 저녁… 봄날 아카시아 향기 가득하던 교실에서는 수업이 뭐였는지, 선생님이 누구였는지도 상관없이, 내 마음은 딴 데 가 있었지. 아마 나 혼자 그랬던 건 아닐 거야. 정말 걱정 없는 나날이었어. 

이 추억을 걷는 곳에 네가 없었다면 뭔가 빠진 느낌이었을 거야, 너는 그 모든 순간에 중심에 있었으니까. 오랜만에, 옛 어느날  가슴을 두근거리게 했던 친구들을 보게 되어 얼마나 반가웠는지 몰라. 이제 다들 어엿한 어른이 됐지만, 예전의 소녀 같은 모습과 익숙한 목소리를 들으니 마냥 좋았어. 넌 여전히 차분하고, 조용한 분위기였어. 늘 믿음직했지. 리더로 태어난 사람이 있다면, 그게 바로 너였어.

경옥이는 예전처럼 여전히 똘똘하고 빠릿했어. Nonsense 없이 정확한 말투도 그대로였고. 애리는 그녀만의 독특한 여성스러움을 여전히, 대담하면서도 어딘가 여린 느낌이랄까. 물론 이런 인상들은 다 오래된 기억에서 나오는 거니까 말은 조심해야지, 잠깐의 만남이었으니까.

짧은 시간 동안 이렇게 많은 친구들을 만날 수 있어서 너무 좋았어. 오랜 세월이 흘렀지만, 다들 예전의 모습 그대로였고, 과거의 풋풋함이 그대로 남아 있더라. 오랜만의 만남이 괜한 오해를 불러올 수도 있고, 지금의 우리는 많이 다르겠지만, 그냥 모든 게 편안했어. 24년이라는 세월이 없었던 것처럼 느껴졌으니까.

명기는 여전히 그 아이 같은 미소랑 꾸밈없는 진심, 그리고 조건 없는 우정이 그대로였어. 추운 겨울 연날리기, 농구 끝나고 게네 집에서 밥 먹던 날들, 클린트 이스트우드 영화, 내가 한국 떠나는 날 찾아와 준 모습까지… 그때도, 그리고 지금도, 그는 언제나 한결같은 친구였고, 정말 고마워. 그와 가족들이 잘 지내는 걸 보니 참 기뻤어. 어머니는 예전처럼 바쁘시고, 자상하고, 다정다감하셨고. 공손한 그의 아들은 예전 누군가를 떠오르게 했고, 딸아이에게는 틀림없이 아빠가 꼼짝 못할거야.

의식이랑은 예전에 늦은 밤까지 이야기 많이 했었다. 오늘의 그의 삶을 예전처럼 함께할 수 없다는 것이 아쉽지만, 여전한 자존심, 경쟁심, 총명하고 내성적이며 사적인 모습이 느껴졌어. 아내도 잠깐 봤지만, 마치 예전부터 알던 사람 처럼 익숙했고 의식이가 좋아할 사람 같았어. 그녀 품에 안긴 아기의 졸린 눈을 보면서 우리가 이제 부모임을 실감했지. 그가 보여준 서울은 산속에 외딴 식당과 예술가의 옛 한옥, 의식이가 옛부터 낭만적이었어. 유치하고 순진한 토론은 25년 전에 끝났지만, 이번에는 굳이 서로를 다시 정리할 필요도 없었다. 

요한이네 집에 초대받은 것도 따뜻한 경험이었어. 학교생활 시작이 순탄치 않았던 것을 곁에서 봤기에 늘 궁금하고 걱정됐었는데, 지금은 자기 사업을 잘 꾸리고 있고, 가족들과의 저녁 자리에 초대받아 너무 좋았다. 창원이는 겉으로는 능청맞은 듯해도 여전히 순수하고 겸손했어. 늘 마음이 넉넉하고 따뜻한 친구였지. 그의 가족도 만났으면 좋았을 텐데, 우리가 그를 아끼는 것만큼 그들도 그러하길 바래지. 석기의 노래는 입학식  생각을 나게 했고, 그 목소리 대단했지, 지금도 감정은 여전히. 두성이는 고등학교 때 그대로, 말수 적고 조용하지만 100미터 경주에 이길 누가 없었던 선수. 태호는 반대로 경주에는 못 믿을 체구였지만 나와 의술이란 같은 길을 걷고 있더군. 상훈이의 말솜씨는 여전했고, 지금은 방송인으로 직업을 바꿔도 잘할 수 있을 거야. 겉모습은 많이 달라진 재연이는 여전히 자유로운 영혼. 처음엔 KBS PD가 된 게 인맥 덕이라 생각했는데 아이디어가 끊이지 않는 것을 보니 역시 능력이라 느꼈다. 효남이와는 밤새 얘기해도 부족했을 거라 생각했다. 해외에서 느끼는 외로움을 나눌 수 있는 유일한 친구였지. 네덜란드에 있는 옥희가 파리까지 친구 보러 왔다는 얘기도 그리 놀랍진 않았어. 멀리 떨어져 지내다 보면, 옛 노래 모으고, 옛 영화 보고, 옛 소설 다시 읽는 그런 향수병이 생기는 법이지.

작년 12월, 마흔이 되었을 때 특별히 늙었다는 생각은 안 들었지만, 마음속 한 구석에 맴돌던 약속 하나가 있었어. 1970년 여름 이후 매년 돌아가 친구들을 만나겠다고 다짐했는데, 미뤘던 24개 핑계가 어처구니 없다고 느껴졌다. 드디어 그 약속을 지키고. 열흘이 추억의 오솔길을 걷고, 친구들을 만나고, 옛날 소중했던 사람들을 찾아뵙기엔 충분했지만, 지금의 한국을 제대로 이해하기엔 턱없이 부족했지. 나의 한국은 24년 전 시간에 멈춰 있으면서 항상 conscience 와 가치의 기준이 되어버렸고, 그 유산이 내 삶을 지탱해주고, 낯선 땅에서 위로를 준다 생각하지. 너와 친구들이 그런 ‘마음의 고향‘을 보여주었슴에 정말 고마워. Co Co’s에서 만난 학우들에게 고맙다고 또 소중한 내 옛 추억의 여정을 너와 나누고 싶어 이 편지를 썼다. 

네 얘기, 남편, 아이들, 네 동생들에 대해 더 알고 싶었는데 시간이 너무 없었어. 동창들에게 내 고마운 마음 전해주기 바란다. 난 시카고 근처에서 좀 떨어진 데 살지만, 혹시 근처 지나게 되면 꼭 연락해. 내 처 모린도 내가 너희를 얼마나 소중히 여기는지 다 알고 있어.

네 친구 유진이, 언제나

P.S. 이 외국어, 양해해

 

(원문:  August 19, 1994 
Dear 경호: 

Thank you for seeing me at a moment’s notice this past July. Although the meeting was brief and there was little time for substance it meant something inexplicably special for me. You may think it odd that an old acquaintance from childhood, after twenty-some years, should want an audience and you may even be surprised to receive a letter after such a trivial meeting. Selfish as it may be my long awaited journey home would not be complete if I did not write this letter of thanks to you. 

Unlike those whose lives intertwined in Seoul I left with a memory of people, places, and events that were frozen in time, always longing for them and filling in imaginary details to the life in Seoul I did not have. Many a night I stayed awake dreaming of going home. How I would see the Korean landscape coming down from the plane! How I would walk through Ewha and many familiar streets of Seoul! How I would delight in meeting those special friends of youth!. . . Little did I think there will pass twenty-four years before this dream was to be. 

I spent the second afternoon in Seoul wandering through Ewha alone, through the front gate, over the bridge, by the kindergarten and the elementary school, and to the middle school, for here was, for me, a home. It is here where a small group of children found life-long friendships and where we were encouraged to find identities to face the adulthood. Walking through Ewha wonderful memories of the past flashed through my mind as if it were only yesterday. I remember after-school preparations for the U.N. Day festivities, Thanksgiving and Christmas shows (I certainly remember that you were chosen as Maria); the semiannual picnics in Secret Garden; intramural sporting events; and unforgettable infatuations (stealing a glance at her in secret, waiting for her fingertips as she changes partner into mine in folk dancing, hanging around after school just to bother her, and a very lucky evening walking home with her among friends). I remember those warm spring afternoons when the Acacia scent filled the classroom. Whatever the subject whoever the teacher my mind was way out daydreaming. I am sure I was not alone. How carefree those days were! 

My stroll through this memory lane could not have been complete without seeing you, who were such an integral part of all of these activities. It was also fun, after so many years, to be with the classmates whose mere presence used to make my heart race and my face blush. Although all of you are now mature women whose lives I know nothing of, I felt perfectly at ease and happy just to see those girlish features I once knew and to hear those familiar voices. You seem just as composed as you were. Your calm and quiet demeanor was always reassuring. Some were born to be leaders and you certainly were the one friends could count on. 경옥 seemed just as quick and smart as before. I remember her being efficient and straight to the point with no nonsense. 애리 always possessed that unique femininity that can only be hers; bold, yet, vulnerable. I should really stop speculating on these impressions based on very old memories. The visit was so brief. 

I feel fortunate to have met with so many friends in such a short time. Many years of changes could not hide youthful images of the past in any. Brief encounters after many years, laden with sentiments could certainly lead to misunderstandings and misjudgements as to who we really have become. Whether it was a true or false impression, I felt at home as if twenty-four years of separation never existed.  명기, despite many years, remains with that child-like smile, unreserved sincerity, and non-judgemental acceptance of friendship. I remember cold winter days of kite flying, many evenings walking home with him after basketball games and having dinner at his place, Clint Eastwood movies, and his visit to my place on the day I left Korea. Words cannot describe my gratitude to the generosity and friendship he has always given when we were young and as I returned so belatedly. It was delightful to see how well he and his family are doing. I remembered his mother as always being active, thoughtful, and kind. And she obviously remains so. His courteous son reminded me of another many years ago, and his daughter obviously rules over 명기. 

I remember countless walks into the late evenings with 의식 discussing ideas that seemed, then, so important. Listening to brief accounts of recent events in his life I could sense how difficult, if not, impossible to ever share his adult life as I would like. Despite this sad realization I thought I saw that proud, competitive, intelligent, introspective, and very private being I once knew. Although I met his wife briefly I felt as if I had known her before. She seemed just the person he would have pursued. His sleepy-eyed son in her arms simply defined our mortality and our, perhaps, most important mission in life. He showed me Seoul as I always longed to see: a dinner at a remote wooded mountainside restaurant and a walk through an old Korean house of an artist. These choices certainly speak for his well hidden romanticism. Our naive and youthful discussions ceased some quarter century ago and we grew apart, but on this visit I felt no need to redefine ourselves for the present. Perhaps this is because we knew one another before the disguises of adulthood. 

Visiting 요한’s household was a heart warming experience. Having shared the beginning of his not-so-smooth school days I always wondered and worried what might have come next in his turbulent life. To see him preside over his own business and to be invited to his family dinner with two happy children, his brother and his wife was just wonderful. Those difficult years, I am sure, could not have been won without his determination and perseverance. Behind that sly exterior 창원 seemed still naive and modest. I have always felt he was generous in heart and deeds. I truly wish I had seen his wife and children, just to be sure that they appreciate him as we friends do. 석기’s singing brought back many memories from that first day of school. What a voice he had, then, and what feelings his voice carries now! 두성 looked just as I remembered in high school days, that slim lad with a few quiet words who could outrun anyone in 100 meter dash. 태호 was a weighty lad with a few quiet words who could not be trusted to run a dash. I am glad he and I share a profession in its most proud traditions: medicine and surgery. 상훈’s refined oratory skills were impressive and he may be even more successful as a media figure. Despite a great physical transformation in 재연, he remains our wild unrestrained spirit. Before this meeting I thought his position as a KBS producer was through some connection, but seeing how his mind is constantly working for new ideas for his program I am proud to admit he has the talent and mind for that difficult job. I could have talked all night with 효남, who can uniquely share the loneliness of living abroad. It is not surprising to hear how 옥희 in Holland came to Paris to see a friend at a moment’s notice. Always living with precious memory, so far removed, one becomes very nostalgic in behavior, collecting old tunes, watching old movies, and re-reading old novels. 

Last December when I turned forty years of age there was no special feeling of regrets or getting old. As I sat looking back at those years, one unfulfilled promise kept knocking at my heart. Since that summer of ‘70 I had promised myself each year that I would return to see those special friends. I could not believe that there were twenty-four nameless excuses. My one lifelong wish has finally come and gone with this visit to Seoul. Ten days were just enough to stroll through a memory lane running into old friends, acquaintances, and paying visits to important people of my youth, but certainly inadequate for understanding a dynamic culture that has evolved and is evolving. My memory of Korea, fixed in time twenty-four years ago, serves me always a point of return for my conscience and value. I am proud of and grateful to that heritage, which, more than anything else, keeps me alive and comforted in this indifferent foreign soil. I must thank you and all our friends for providing for me such a home where my mind can always rest and where my body can now return. 

I wrote this letter to express my thanks to you and to those classmates at Co Co’s but also to share with you and friends my journey to the past that I hold dear. I wish I had more time to learn about you, your husband, children, and your sisters. Please send my thanks and regard to our classmates. I do live a bit removed from Chicago, but if you happen to pass nearby you must let me know. My wife, Maureen, is fully aware of my attachment and commitment to our classmates. If there is anything I can be of help in the U.S. please do not hesitate. 

Your friend, always, 

P.S. Forgive this foreign tongue.)